We continue our discussion of 12
signs that we are undergoing a spiritual awakening that was posted on January
3. For your convenience, I am reprinting the list at the end of this
reflection. I’m jumping ahead to #11 today, because it came up in a couple of
conversations I had yesterday with various people.
11. A loss of interest in judging self.
Now, we have to make some distinctions. I suggest there
are three types of situations where we could be prone to judging ourselves:
The first are
actual sins and wrongdoings. As far as these are concerned, our consciences
correctly convict us, and it is up to us to admit our wrongdoing, pray for
forgiveness and if necessary, have resort to the Sacrament of Reconciliation.
These are objective facts.
The second type
concerns what the 12-Steps call character defects. We become aware of
them as a result of our own inner work and our growing abilities to be
ruthlessly but gently honest with ourselves. Examples: I have a bad
habit of finishing other peoples’ sentences for them. (This is not a personal
confession: I can only state these examples in the first person, because I have
no right to make a character inventory of any other person. That is taken up in
another item on our list.) Another example: I judge people by appearances.
Final example: I am impatient, and because of that I easily become irritated
and even angry when things don’t happen according to the time table I have set
for others.
What can we do with character defects: (1) recognize them
and be honest about them. (2) be willing to ask God to remove them. (3) Pray
for grace.
Now this is
IMPORTANT. Remember that God doesn’t always answer prayers like this the way we
would like him to. Consider Saint Paul and his “thorn in his flesh:” Three
times he prayed to have it removed and God’s answer to him was “My grace is
enough for you.” (2 Corinthians 12:7-9). “Thorns” (character defects) keep us
humble; the grace to wrestle with them or to overcome them is given in each
instance, and we learn that at all times we need to trust in God and turn to
Him for help.
The third kind
involve ways that we tend to judge ourselves that we can, with growth, learn to
accept and even embrace. These matters have to do with the way we are “knit
together in our mothers’ wombs” (Psalm 139:13). Each of us is a unique and
beloved and complex creature and each of us possess gifts, and weaknesses, and
character traits that sometimes we find it hard to accept. This is where we can grow in not judging ourselves. Note this
conversation between me and X:
Me: You tend to get nervous when you’re stepping outside
your comfort zone.
X: I know, and I hate that about myself.
Me: But it is part of how you are made. Be gentle with
yourself; don’t hate it. Learn to accept it and embrace it, and at the same
time learn how to work with it or around it. You sometimes have to move outside
your comfort zone, and when that happens, you get nervous. Well, good for you
for being willing to make the move! The nervousness is a sign that something
special is about to happen. Give yourself permission to be the way you are. You are learning techniques to deal with the
nervousness. Use them, and be at peace. In fact, congratulate yourself. And do
you know what? By accepting who you are and being gentle and loving towards
yourself, in time things might actually evolve. But if you keep fighting was is
natural in you, you’re just going to remain stuck where you are.
And
so, the lesson to carry away with today is that in situations which do not involve
real sin, where you don’t receive the grace to make any changes, accept where
you are and accept who you are. Give yourself permission. The benefits
are wonderful.
I’m sorry this is so long today. It’s as long as it
needed to be for me to get my point across. I’m made that way. God bless you.
Appendix: List of
signs that we are undergoing a spiritual awakening:
1.
An increased tendency to let things happen rather than to make things happen.
2.
Frequent attacks of smiling.
3.
Feelings of being connected with others and nature.
4.
Frequent overwhelming episodes of appreciation.
5.
A tendency to think and act spontaneously rather than from fears based on past
experiences.
6.
An unmistakable ability to enjoy each moment.
7.
A loss of ability to worry.
8.
A loss of interest in conflict.
9.
A loss of interest in interpreting the actions of others.
10.
A loss of interest in judging others.
11.
A loss of interest in judging self.
12.
Gaining the ability to love without expecting anything in return.
